Thursday, February 10, 2011

Blighted Ovum

It was Nov 2009 and once again I was staring at the stick.  I was so ready to have another baby, Jack was almost three and he needed a sibling stat.  I was to the point that every month gone by without a pregnancy made me want one all the more.  I stared so intently at the test window it strained my eyes.  Did I see another line?  I wasn't sure. Maybe my vision was affected from straining, or my mind  was making me see what my heart desired.  I brought it directly under the light. My heart skipped a beat, two lines!  Finally. Another baby, another pregnancy, another crazy ride.  Hooray! When my husband got home I shared the news, and we had a wonderful Thanksgiving weekend.  We were so ready.

After the long weekend I called the OB to make an appointment.  I had never been there before, but they had a great reputation and access to one of the largest birthing centers in the area.  I had delivered my first in a smaller hospital that was lacking some of the state of the art equipment this place had along with beautiful private suites to recover in.  All the bells and whistles were calling to me.  The lady on the phone asked me the preliminary questions one asks an expectant mother.  I was familiar with this since I had a similar conversation about three years prior. When was the date of your last period?  How did you find out you are pregnant? What type of insurance do you have? My answers got me an appointment the following week, which would make me about five and a half weeks pregnant.  Since this was my second time around it should be the same right?  Well it was already a little different, my first OB had me wait until I was eight weeks pregnant to see her, but this was a different place, they do this all the time so they should know.  I didn't give it much more thought.

The day of my appointment my husband and I arrived to find a bustling place with a huge reception area.  Several secretaries rushing around on phones, talking to staff, talking to patients.  As I approached the desk I saw numerous sign in sheets spread out.  I found the one with my doctor's name on it and signed in.  I walked over to the seating area and noticed several obviously pregnant women waiting as well.  I smiled toward them due to the fact that we all had something in common.  Even though I wasn't showing, or even feeling pregnant yet, my presence made me one of them.

Not long after taking our seats, my name was called.  A friendly young nurse introduced herself and gave me the run down of my appointment.  First stop was the ultrasound, I could hardly wait.  She led us down a hallway full of twists and turns to another waiting area, this place was huge.  I eagerly sat waiting my turn.  Finally my name was called by a middle aged female technician.  The first thing I recognized as I walked into her exam room was the monitor that would show me my baby.  I vividly remembered seeing Jack on a similar screen for the first time, he looked like a teeny teddy graham cracker with a little bleeping spot in the middle, I wondered if this baby would look the same.  I got on the table and she quickly started the exam.  I could tell by her speed and precision of clicking and measuring, that she did these all day.  I anxiously waited to see teddy graham number two, but I only saw a black empty bubble. I felt worried. I asked her where the baby was and she responded that it was still very early.  I could not tell by her automatic tone if this was something to sweat over.  Before I knew it she was done.  If something was wrong she would have taken longer, right?

After a few more waiting rooms and clinicians I finally met my doctor.  She sat across from us, behind her desk.   She was surrounded by walls decorated with impressive credentials.  She eyed my chart as she routinely questioned me.  When it was my turn to speak I questioned her.  Why didn't we see our baby?  Her response was aloof.  She said it measured five weeks and two days and that after my blood work came back my HCG level (number of baby hormones in my blood) would confirm if there was a baby or not.  At this point I sheepishly told her that I was a nurse and had already been monitoring my levels at work with my most recent level in the 30 thousands.  She looked slightly concerned and asked me if I was sure it wasn't around 3000.  I told her I was pretty sure it was, but could call a coworker to double check.  I did just that, I was correct.  After I hung up she began to apologize.  She told us this was called a blighted ovum, basically a pregnancy without a baby.  She told us we could try again and gave me a chance to speak, but I had nothing to say.

It was now time to have my pelvic exam, I needed a moment and excused myself to the bathroom.  I tried to hold back the tears and coach myself through this.  This place was full of strangers and I didn't want to be seen crying, especially in this environment.  I entered her exam room and my face prompted her to hand me tissues causing the flood gates to open.  Through my tears I asked her what my options were now.  She told me what I knew I was going to hear, I could take pills to expel "the pregnancy" or go under anesthesia and have it scraped out.  I was hoping she would have other options but she didn't, she only told me the longer I waited the more risk I had of developing an infection.

I chose the pills and she handed the prescriptions to my husband, told me to take time off of work and we left the exam room, defeated.  No one led us out and my husband held me close as we navigated through pregnant women, workers and strangers.  I stopped at the reception desk to make my follow up appointment where I ran into the young nurse from the beginning.  She smiled and said "see you in four weeks" obviously unaware of our misfortune.  As I waited for the receptionist to find a day for me the people waiting stared at me.  My face showed that I had been crying, my lack of expression made it known that something was wrong.  I no longer had anything in common with these women, I was no longer as wonderful as them.

When I got home my husband went out to the pharmacy for me.  While he was gone I made phone calls to let the few people that did know, that there was no baby.  As I vented to others their advice slowed down my thoughts.  My sister, who unfortunately had first hand experience in this area, told me that in her situation they were not as hasty to end her pregnancy.  I spoke to my mother, a nurse as well, and she reminded me that there was no harm in waiting, and a second opinion would not hurt.  They gave me hope, but I was mostly there, prepared to go back to the drawing board.  By the time my husband arrived with my prescription I had decided that it was not time to take these pills, I was going to get a second opinion.

I called the office of my original OB and left a brief message of my situation.  My call was returned promptly, and by her personally.  She told me that the clinical data did indicate that this was likely a "blighted ovum" but to have a second ultrasound to be sure and even a third if need be, as long as I wasn't showing signs of infection.  I made the ultrasound appointment six days later.  As the days went by I tried to mentally prepare myself for the fact that there would probably be no baby.  But my heart gave me hope which I tried to ignore.

I went to the ultrasound place, which was the same one that I went to for Jack.  I recognized the technician because she did my eight month ultrasound with him.  I remembered as Jack was opening and closing his mouth during the exam she jokingly made him lip sync "hi mom".  We didn't tell her why we were there.  We didn't have to, the paper we handed her had "rule out blighted ovum" written on it.

When she began I looked away from the screen.  I didn't want to see the black bubble again.  I heard her say something but her accent made it a little hard to understand.  Then I heard my husband say "what?".  I turned my head and looked at the screen.  She was saying "there's the baby".  I saw my baby! I couldn't believe it.  The warm feeling in my heart that I tried to ignore was growing now, telling me what I already knew.

It was an unusually hot summer and I was huge and miserable.  On July 30th Benjamin Rhys joined the world.  He was nine pounds, two ounces of healthy beautiful life. There are no words that could describe how grateful I am for not taking those pills.  I still can't believe that Ben almost wasn't here.  It's still hard for me to digest and of course I am infuriated with the doctor.  She is trusted with life and almost took one and who knows how many other women she has done this to.  We tried to go after her to some extent but the physicians and staff at her practice made it hard to do, even "misplacing" my record.  My husband did get her on the phone once and told her what she did and hopefully that had an impact on her and how she practices. After running in circles with her practice I just wanted to focus on my pregnancy but it has been brewing and I don't want it to be over yet.

Now that Ben is six months old I am sharing my story.  I know that blighted ovum is a legitimate diagnosis and that it is an awful thing to be told you have.  I am not trying to give anyone false hope but am saying, what do you have to lose if you wait? In my case if I didn't wait look what I would have lost.  As long as the pregnancy is not a risk to the mother, there is no harm in waiting.  Thank you for reading my story and I hope this starts something.